DEATH ROW HAS MADE ME NUMB

I grew up around a lot of women in my family, and as a young boy being around those women they taught and instilled compassion, caring and kindness in me.  My grandmother taught me how to love and she always preached about humanity and respect.  She loved animals as much as she loved people.  I developed that same attribute from my grandmother.  I’m just a naturally loving and caring person.  On January 13th 2005 I entered Texas Death Concentration Camp for their killing machine.  I wasn’t scared I was cautious due to I didn’t know what was ahead of me or what I was about to walk into.  I honestly had no clue as to what I was about to endure and experience.  The ugly revelation didn’t waste any time to reveal its true intention of action.  That loving and caring person I was raised to be was surely bout to be tested in a major way here at the Texas Death Concentration Camp. In my first year I had to endure 36 people being slaughtered (executed) and put down like an animal.  After the first 12 my heart and mind begin to fight and battle with each other.  The cause and effect of this type of exposure of death and killing began to take a toll and have an effect on me.  My heart began the process of wanting to break down, while my brain went into survival mode to protect me.  What was hurting so much is that I had developed a few friendships with at least 8 of the 36 that were executed.  The bonds were genuine as if I had been knowing them all my life.  Those executions begin to kill me inside, each time one of those eight were taken away and never brung back.  The next year it was 40 people being slaughtered, me not really being conscious or fully aware, I developed a handful more friendships with a few more dudes.  Seeing them being taken away to be slaughtered, I began to spiral out of control emotionally.  I was hurt, depressed and in a world of sulkiness but I realized something about this Death Camp and how it operated.  It’s designed to torture you mentally and break you spiritually until it’s your turn to witness “The Killing Machine”.  One of the key things happening here at the Death Camp, you’re constantly developing bonds and friendships with people who are running out of time.  I were constantly being hit with devastating blows every time I lose a friend.  I immediately told myself you can’t live like this it’s destroying you, so I went into a process of detaching myself from bonds, friendships and people I were casually conversating with.  I had to if I wanted to make it and hold on to my sanity here in this death camp.  By the fifth year here I had no friends and now on execution days I was emotionless, I became immune to the deaths that were occurring around me.  I couldn’t even release a drop of compassion, sympathy or any feelings for my fellow brethrens who were being slaughtered. I began to hate and questioned myself because I knew this wasn’t me or who I was taught to be as a person.  It was bothering me so bad that I began to talk about it to other prisoners here.  They all would hear me out and all claim they understood what I was saying and going through, but they would all just blow it off as nothing serious and say, “You’re finally become numb to this place and your surroundings”.  For years I rejected and denied that term because I felt that the words numb was just as bad as the words cold hearted and inhumane.  The realization hit me that this place made me numb in order for me to survive, that’s when I went into the process of detaching myself from people.  My heart continues to want to fight reality by my brain continues to protect me so I don’t self destruct.

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